I made the colossal mistake of stepping on the scale this morning.

The resulting number occasioned the lamenting protest, "¡Noooo! ¡Ni meeeeerga!"

Heaving my girth off the scale, I gave it a slight kick. "Chinga tu madre, güey..."

I could almost hear it thinking, "Huevona tú. Back off, gordita, I'm not the one who went to all-you-can-eat Oriental Buffet last night and loaded up exclusively on dessert shrimp..."