Contrary to popular belief (that is, if I were popular), I don't do that well with change. 15/09/09

Leading off with "Contrary to that which past and present behaviors suggest..." might have been more apt than "popular" - that word has such a charge that it deserves its own blog post.

The word "blog" has also become kind of loaded for me, but only because I've been so neglectful about writing this one. It is, however, the changes to this blog that have prompted this post, and hopefully some future meta-blogging, in keeping with my (no-longer-so-) secret wish to have a real blog with real themes.

The change to this blog is one that my reader probably can't see. I felt like blogging on Friday night so I came here. OK, so maybe I didn't feel like blogging. I just updated my Dear Diary pages, which should no longer appear on the blog (not because they're secret or anything, they're just boring). The notice: "WordPress 2.8.4 is now available. Please update." was still there and I thought that I should try again. I like putting images in my posts and that was getting hard to do. I wanted to make blogging as easy as I could, thinking that it would motivate me to get back to it.

There was no way I was going to attempt to update myself using SimpleScripts so I called BlueHost's tech support, hoping to get Karl again. Barbara wasn't as warm and fuzzy, but she talked me though it, explaining that I had to deactivate themes and plugins and such. Somehow in the process I again lost the blog. Of course, I immediately read that as a metaphor/warning that I should stop blogging for the obvious reasons.

Ever since I started writing String of Lights just over 2 years ago, I struggle to refute my own arguments against (my own) blogging. They are the same reasons given to me by people who I think should have a blog. Enumerating them here would be pointless at best, those insecurites come out in what I write as a matter of course and at worst, enumerating them could be insulting or hurtful. When I refute myself I do it in a sharply self-deprecating manner and would never use that against anyone else who made the selfsame argument.

On Friday night (technically Saturday morning by then), despite all the indications that I should just give up the blog, I called Barbara again and asked her to put it back. And she did. Actually, she did more than that. She made sure the update works and I'm now running the version 2.8.4. And it looks different from here - the admin controls are on the left side, not on the top; the frame is a different blue; I can more easily access the images and links I've posted over the years and I think it makes more sense. I just need time to get used it.

Its newness, perhaps, can represent a new start for me at this blog. I don't plan to change it drastically. I don't plan to change it at all. It's not all of sudden going to consistently have certain themes. Inconsistency is key here. The writing's not going to get any better. Readership won't increase. The content will continue to have limited significance.

But I get to have it back. This Spring/Summer took something out of me or took me away from something or somethings. I think String of Lights was one of them. I want it to come back.